and my bf-ing journey ends here... for now.

and so today, i finally make to put away everything i have needed in the last 9 1/2 months of breastfeeding/ expressing milk:-

~~~what remains after chucking the really worn out stuff~~~

• the trusty little Medela Swing plus all the bits & pieces that come along with it.
• the nursing bras.
• the nursing tops.
• the nursing dresses.
• the nursing pads, milk bags and other accessories that have helped me on my journey of nursing Sarah.

9 1/2months.

i have such mixed feelings at the thought of no longer continuing this whole thing.

on one hand i would love to continue providing for her. it's been a tiring journey no doubt, but such a meaningful one! so precious! those late nights/ early morning nursing... just us two awake and "clinging" onto each other...... i think no words can accurately express how i (or any other mum) feels.

on the other hand, i guess it is timely that i stop now. 

i say timely, because:- 

• she seems to have gotten the hang of self weaning pretty quickly! 
• she loves her cereal brekkie, porridge lunches and dinners. 
• her milk consumption has dropped alot with the increase in solids intake. 
• heaps of literature now point to how babies can get their calcium intake elsewhere apart from milk. 
• i'm working ridiculous hours which make regular expressing quite impossible. 
• plus, after discussion with the hubs, we agree the time spent expressing, cleaning, sterilising, packing the milk can be better spent reading or playing with the girl now that she needs a whole lot more attention and activities to stimulate her learning senses.

so.

yup.

9 1/2months.

the frozen supply should last another couple of weeks.

then... that's it.

till the next one, thank you all for your support in my strange, interesting, eventful journey of breastfeeding. hahaha! what with the boobie/ milk strikes, engorgement, blocked milk ducts, nursing in the tiny noodle store in yongping, nursing in the backseat while we make our way to kl, expressing in handicap toilets, expressing in the car on long journeys up north, expressing in the dead of the night by torchlight, wearing breast shields that make me look like xena, going everywhere with my kit, being given funny names (pump-it... pumper...) and a whole lot more i can't possible list everything that has happened. 

GOOD TIMES ALL!

She finishes her last bottle of the day (night).
I burp her.
Then long after she has already fallen back to sleep, I hold her.
I hold her close to take in her smell (oh that lovely baby smell).
I hold her close to feel her heartbeat next to mine.
I hold her, watching her chest rise and fall with every breath she takes, taking in her beautiful baby face...... her adorable cheeks, her tiny button nose and mouth... how her baby-soft fine hair shines when caught by the soft nightlight...
I hold her and watch out for her cute goofy grin, contented sigh, cheeky soft chuckle... all of which she almost always does nightly in her sleep. Ah such sweet dreams she must have :)
I hold her till my arms ache.
I hold her now as I type this with one hand (or rather, one finger).
Then I place her back into her cot. Reluctantly.
I love this little angel so.
I'm heading back into the office in 4 weeks' time.
I dread to think how little time I will get to spend with her.
While the late night feed will continue for a while more, all too soon she will grow out of it and sleep through the night. These precious times will gradually lessen. I will miss this so.
Heartache.

yours & mine

your adorable tiny baby hand & fingers.

wrapped around my mine.

♥♥♥

taken 06may.

when i was nursing you that evening.

i could get used to your baby soft touch like this.

forever & ever.

*heartache from love.

My breastfeeding journey #2

Sigh.
Just when I thought things were going smooth on the breastfeeding front, we are hit with a case of scabbed and cracked nipples, and Baby Girl taking a nursing strike.
Looks like I have to get down to expressing religiously to keep the supply of milk up while bottle feeding her.
Figured its about time since I'm returning to work mid June. Sigh. Can't help worrying about supply not meeting demand when expressing though. I never can seem to get as much with the machine as compared to when she latches on.
Also, i wonder if it's just me or do other mums feel the same, but i feel extremely guilty not being able to nurse her while the nipple heals...... EXTREME GUILT :(

My breastfeeding journey.

Breastfeeding is hard work!!!

Seriously.

Whoever said breastfeeding is easy... well... pfft! It's sOooo NOT!

I'm pretty sure every mum has their story to tell. The good, the bad, the happy and the sad moments...... oh the madness of it all!!!

Ok so here's my story.

I pretty much decided right from the start that I would breastfeed Sarah from day one. As much as I can. As long as possible. Well, at least till she starts weaning.

Which mum wouldn't want to breastfeed their baby right? What with all the benefits for both baby and mummy. The Internet is full of information on how good breastfeeding is. Just google it! (Google is my best friend. Hehe.)

So.

Breastfeeding Sarah.

I kind of already knew from hearing all these stories from recently "promoted" mama girlfriends how much work would be involved if breastfeeding, but i never knew just how much until having experienced it myself these past 8 weeks.

I was prepared to read up on some basic breastfeeding information in oh... the later part of my pregnancy, but what i didn't plan on was having to "cut short" that time by a good 4 weeks and deliver Baby Girl much earlier than planned. So i basically did NOT complete my readings :p The hubs and i had also not gone for any antenatal/ lactation classes prior.

Sigh.

Needless to say, the first 2-3 weeks was madness as i started with the breastfeeding and we seemed to encounter challenges, one after another.

One of my earliest challenges breastfeeding was the lack of support at home. I say "was" because with alot of education (crash course in breastfeeding 101. hurhurhur.) the folks now sing a different tune about nursing Sarah :p

While hubs has been as steady as a rock, supporting me all this time, it took quite a bit of effort to convince the parents that i could breastfeed and that it was best for Baby and me.

They meant well, i know, but their comments of "not enough milk", "the baby is (still) hungry", "why is the baby's poo yellow/mustard-y and watery... is the milk not clean enough", "maybe baby doesn't like breastmilk" didn't help at all in the first few weeks when Sarah and me were both learning to get used to this whole breastfeeding thing.

She was hungry and sleepy and just wanted to get fed quickly... i was tired and frustrated and trying to get the hang of the whole "latch on correctly" thing.

To make things worst, she was so tiny when born. Under 2kg when we brought her home. I was worried sick wondering if what my parents said were true.

Thank God she started gaining some weight and with some explaining from her PD to my parents on how breastmilk is digested more quickly and how baby's poo should look like if breastfed etc, and with, like i said, a whole lot of education on its' benefits, they are now very supportive and in fact, mum automatically brings the little one to me when she cries and says, "Feed her. Feed her more of your milk so she grows up big and strong quickly."

Plus, she realised there's no need for all that washing and sterilising of milk bottles if i don't express :p

I also had no idea just how tired i could get from the lack of sleep, having to get up almost every other hour to nurse the Baby! Right from the start my back started aching so sOOOooooo bad. I've probably permanently damaged that left shoulder/back :(

On a few occassions, i very nearly fell asleep nursing her at 4am. Serious.

Then there are all the other "problems" that can come with breastfeeding. The cracked/sore nipples, the blocked milk ducts, etc etc etc.

For some reason, Baby Girl really doesn't like my right boob :( She started rejecting the right and only wanted to latch on to the left. Me, silly me... i thought, fine. You want the left i'll give you the left. As long as you get your fill. I didn't think to start expressing out from the right! And within days, the right started drying up. When Sarah's appetite starts to increase (and it is increasing every week!), my left alone isn't going to be enough right??? Argh! How dumb can i get, you wonder?

Now i'm on a course of domperidone, as prescribed by Dr. Tracey. Hopefully we can build up my milk supply again.

Plus, i've started expressing more regularly. Cos i just realised i'm halfway through my maternity leave and once i return to work, Sarah will need to be bottle-fed my milk during the day by mum. I have to start building up that supply of frozen breastmilk. That also means even less sleep!! After she's had her fill, i have to go express what's left!

Gawd the times i've cried in the last few weeks. Out of sheer frustration.

Having said this all, while it has been tough, being able to breastfeed Sarah is indeed rewarding.

Especially so when she's had her fill and falls back away from my breast, with a huge toothless, gummy grin on her face and milk dripping down her baby chin :)

- no milk dripping :p but here she is, falling asleep at my breast after having had her fill -

Mad love.

Family portrait #1

Thank you God.

For giving us our beautiful Baby Girl.

Day #60.

The hubs and me, we've been promoted to being "parents" for 60 days now.

It hasn't been the easiest 60 days to get through.

But hey!

Have you ever heard anyone say being parents was easy???

If you have, well... they're lying :p

Anyways...

Here's to the hubs and me moving on and working together to build our little family, CHEERS!

♥